


Bad Religion

by SawyerDay



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Divergence, Denial of Feelings, Destiel - Freeform, Drinking to Cope, M/M, Men of Letters Headquarters, Nearly Human Castiel, Purgatory, Season 8, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-29 14:03:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 14,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SawyerDay/pseuds/SawyerDay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean’s list of things that are important is extremely short and at the top of that list is family. Family is always number one. He and his brother Sam have been hunters since before they were old enough to do multiplication. Dean’s job, no matter what was going on, is and always will be to take care of Sam and make sure that he’s safe. He’d made a promise to his father that he would do anything he had to do to make sure his brother was taken care of. But, something happened and everything in Dean’s world is starting to spin out of control. He’s distracted and feels out of touch of what he should be focusing on. His distraction? Castiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Before you dive in, I'd like to say a few things.  
> I have been working on this for about 6 months.  
> I've re-written it four times and for the most part, it's un-edited.  
> It's set in the Supernatural world, but it doesn't follow the show.  
> It takes place in season 8.  
> Most chapters are based off of songs and the whole fic is based off of a song called 'Bad Religion' by Frank Ocean.  
> The chapters are really short.  
> The story moves from "current time" to "Purgatory". There will be a warning when it changes.  
> I know that it's not perfect and the writing is very amateur, but I hope that you will like it anyway.  
> Thank you for giving it a chance. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_Dean Winchester._ The name alone in the Supernatural world is enough to make any ghost, vampire, or supernatural being second guess sticking around. Dean is known for being ruthless, strong, and being unafraid of killing first and asking questions later. He is, before anything else, a hunter and there is no telling anyone otherwise.

Dean’s list of things that are important is extremely short and at the top of that list is family. Family is always number one. He and his brother Sam have been hunters since before they were old enough to do multiplication. Dean’s job, no matter what was going on, is and always will be to take care of Sam and make sure that he’s safe. He’d made a promise to his father that he would do anything he had to do to make sure his brother was taken care of. But, something happened and everything in Dean’s world is starting to spin out of control. He’s distracted and feels out of touch with what he should be focusing on. His distraction?

Castiel.

Castiel is one of the newest members of the Winchester family and has saved Dean’s ass more times than he wants to admit. Cas was easily Dean’s best friend, besides Sammy, and most of the time he was okay in thinking that. Hell, he might even say it out loud, but there is something that’s not quite right about the friendship. Things between them are complicated and threaten to ruin everything Dean has worked so hard to build up.

 

 


	2. Far

Dean paces back in forth in front of Sam who is practically buried in papers, books, and lore. It seems like the only time that Sam is relaxed these days is when he’s in the library, searching through stacks and stacks of information, or organizing paperwork that’s older than dirt. The eight foot table is totally covered except for the small area around Sam’s laptop.

“You’re being moody,” Sam says, his eyes focused on the screen in front of him.

Dean glares at Sam, shoving a stack of papers to the side. He sits opposite his brother at the table, _“Moody? Pissed off would better describe it,”_ He thinks.

"Dean, come on. He’s an angel for one thing and it’s not like he isn’t prepared,” Sam stops typing for a moment, “Besides, we need all the help we can get.”

How does he do that? How does he know what Dean’s thinking all the damn time. Sam is mostly right. Cas is an angel, but that doesn’t mean that he’s safe from what was happening all around them.

Clearly, Crowley had found out about the demon tablet being stolen, and with that came an overwhelming amount of demon activity. There are more possessions and more humans being marked up and tortured for information that Dean is sure they never had. He knows Crowley is mocking them, trying to draw them out to get the tablet back. He also knows there is a price on the head of anyone or anything currently helping or who had helped them in the past, Cas being at the top of that list.

It was one thing if only Hell was after you, but for Cas it was Heaven and Hell, and Dean isn’t sure if he will be able to stop it or protect Cas the way that he wants to. He needs his friend there when shit hits the fan and he needs him around so that can can at least try to keep him safe.

“Under normal circumstances, I would agree with you,” Dean replies as he grabs his jacket and keys to the Impala. He makes his way up the stairs to the door leading outside. “But not right now. Not like this. Both sides want him, Sam. And, I’m willing to bet my left nut neither side will hesitate to kill him,” Dean knows Sam is just being Sam, looking for the good in everything, but this isn’t the type of situation Dean can just let go.

“Where are you going?” Sam asks closing his laptop lid half way and leaning back in his chair. He’s clearly annoyed at Dean’s lack of faith in Cas being able to fend for himself.

“I’m going to go see if I can figure out what the hell Crowley is up to. There’s a hotel that’s been losing a lot of it’s customers. Thought I’d check it out,” Dean notices Sam’s expression change from annoyance to concern but he doesn’t say anything, “Just keep working with Kevin and see what you can get from the tablet.”

Dean doesn’t stick around to hear what Sam has to say. He’s been cooped up in the bunker for weeks and knows he needs to get away. Everything is happening too fast and he’s not sure if he’s going to be able to shoulder all of the responsibility coming his way. He needs a little ‘Dean Time’. He knows his brother has been worried about him since Purgatory, but Dean doesn’t mention it so it doesn’t exist. Except when it does and Dean wakes up in a cold sweat, gripping his bedding like his life depends on it. Purgatory is the realm where nightmares take place, but there’s a small part of him that wishes he could go back.

Purgatory was pure; uncomplicated. Kill or be killed. He had been able to tap into a part of himself that he didn’t know he had. A part of himself that he could have never been able to access outside of Purgatory. He had spent a year searching for Cas and killing things before they could kill him. Cas was the only thing to look forward to while he was there. His only reason for fighting and trying to find a way out. He didn’t need to talk about Purgatory because that meant talking about Cas and how much his feelings towards his friend had changed, and that was not something Dean wanted to do. Ever.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update: April 13th.


	3. Liar, Liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean lies to Sam and spends time with some old "friends".

Dean decides that driving all the way to the next town is a bad idea. Crowley has ways of knowing anytime the Winchesters sneeze and he wasn’t going to take any chances getting caught. He drives about thirty miles to a storage unit facility to store his car and then takes a cab the rest of the way to the motel. He sends a quick text to Sam so he can pick him and the car up later.

Dean is relieved to be away from Sam so can can have some time to himself but there’s a growing guilt creeping it’s way into every fiber of Dean’s being. He swore he would protect Sam and keep him safe and here he is in some dingy motel about to drink himself silly. There are no disappearing customers. He lied to Sam to get away and he feels like a coward and part of himself wishes Crowley would catch him.

He arrives at the motel in early afternoon with nothing but his wallet, jacket, a duffle bag filled with clothes, and few necessities should he run into trouble. The motel is old and creaked in all the right places and he felt oddly at home there. It reminds him of Bobby’s house when he spots the floor to ceiling bookshelf on the far wall. Dean smiles at the thought of Bobby and his books but he doesn’t let the thought linger too long. Thinking about Bobby means accepting that he’s dead. He knows Bobby is gone but who wants to think about the finality of death of their loved ones? He wants his death to be final but thinking about it for others while he was still living is maddening. 

After a quick shower and a trip to the liquor store, Dean comes to terms with the fact that he had lied to Sam. He knows this is what he needs. He needs to be alone, even if it’s just for the night. He wanted to be honest with Sam but sometimes you just need your fear and regret as company and it’s best to greet those old friends in private. You have to be away from those who trust you with their lives. It was wrong to let them see you fray at the edges and slowly start to fall apart. He could think about Purgatory freely here. He could think about Cas and how he had left him once again.

Purgatory hadn’t only changed Dean. It had changed Cas as well. He was more detached and less angel like. Dean had taken a portal from Purgatory to some random woods and was able to find Sam and get to safety. Dean was sure that Cas would never get out of there so, he mourned his friend and moved on. About two months after Dean has gotten back and the nightmares happened only a few nights a week, Cas showed up unable to remember anything about how he had gotten out. Dean was sure that Cas was going to stay and help them but he had left in the middle of the night as soon as he was healed. No note. Nothing. They haven’t heard from Cas in weeks and it’s taking it’s toll.

Dean sets his motel room key on the small table inside the door of his room and grips his bottle of whiskey a little tighter. He knows drinking his problems away isn’t the answer to any of this, but it’s what he knows. He wants to forget that he’s failing at keeping himself together. Tomorrow he will be stronger and tomorrow he will be better. He would be who he was told to be, but tonight is for him. For him, his regret, and fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Things are going to start moving along in the next chapter. 
> 
> Next Update: April 20th.


	4. Say Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gives up on the idea of Cas coming back.

Dean wakes up still dressed in the same clothes he passed out in. His eyes are slowly adjusting to the light coming in the window and they focus on the half-full bottle of whiskey on the table. Drinking had been a bad idea. He felt sick and achy and Sam was going to be there in a couple of hours to pick him up. He sits up rubbing the sleep from his eyes and decides that a shower is his best bet, but not before he can get rid of the evidence of his night. He pours the remainder of the whiskey down the sink and gets rid of the bottle in the trash outside the hotel before heading to the bathroom.

He didn’t dare look at himself in the mirror. His reflection would only confirm what he already knew. He feels selfish for allowing himself to drink again. He feels disgusted with himself for being too much like his father, in thinking that drinking was somehow going to help. Covering things up with drinking is not only cowardly, it’s a quickest way to get yourself killed. Especially if you are trying to keep a low profile and need to be alert.

He turns on the shower and sits on the toilet waiting for the water to warm up. He lets his mind wander, _“What if Cas never comes back? What if he’s better off without me?”_

He knows something changed in Purgatory. He knows the feeling that he has whenever he thinks of Cas is a feeling he hasn’t felt in a long time and he knows that he can’t afford to feel it. He can’t afford to let his feelings get in the way of this battle that he’s losing little by little. He needs his best friend to help him but he needs the Cas from before Purgatory.

“Where are you, Cas?” Even though the angel hasn’t answered in weeks Dean keeps hoping that he will show up. Maybe this one time will be the time that he comes back.

He waits a moment before stepping into the shower. The hot water on his tired, achy muscles is calming in ways that Dean will never be able to explain. The shower is what he needs and feels much better once he gets out and starts to towel off. He catches sight of himself in the mirror and his eyes rest on the scar taking up a large portion of his right shoulder. It has healed a lot since the last time he saw it.

He slowly places a hand over the scar matching up the finger marks with his own and closes his eyes. He lets the sadness wash over him but just as quickly as it had come, it was gone. He has to flip the switch. He can’t think about Cas like this anymore. He can’t allow himself to feel like this about his friend. Dean is a hunter. What good are personal feelings anyway? All they did was get people hurt or killed.

He quickly puts his shirt on. Out of sight, out of mind. He can do this. He can focus and do what needs to be done and if Cas wants to fly off into the night with and leave Dean behind, then so be it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is a little late. I was on vacation. :) 
> 
> Next Update: April 27th.


	5. Sideways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas shows up.

Sam and Dean are driving back to the bunker from a hunt a few towns over. The drive is uneventful and Dean hates it because there is too much time to think. Sam is asleep and it’s leaving Dean to be a victim of his mind.

Before Sam fell asleep he had explained to Dean a large portion of what the tablet said. There was a way to close Hell. There would be no more demons top side. It’s a relief but it’s also terrifying. There are a few trials that must be done in order to close the gates forever. Driving 600 miles is giving Dean lots of time to think about the trials and how he’s going to complete them without anyone knowing. Kevin has already translated the first trial and Dean’s already thinking of ways to accomplish it.

“Dean, I can hear you thinking. You’re making it impossible to sleep.” Sam turns his head towards his brother and cracks a small smile.

“Sorry, Sammy. Just get some sleep.”

“I’m sorry, did you miss that part where I said I can’t sleep?” Sam pushes himself upright in the seat and pushes his hair off of his face,” I know what you’re thinking about.” Dean glances at his brother for a moment before looking back to the road. Dean knows he knows but he’s not going to deny or confirm anything so he keeps his mouth shut.

“Dean, you can’t just decide to do these trials on your own. You’re going to need help and I want you to know that I’m here for you, okay?” Dean can feel Sam’s eyes burning into him but he doesn’t dare look at him. He can’t, because if he does he’s going to talk. Talking leads to sharing and he didn’t want to share. Sharing meant talking about Purgatory and talking about Cas, a subject both men have been avoiding. Dean keeps his eyes on the road and lets Sam talk about old cases and how excited he is to take a shower that has decent water pressure. He even lets Sam pick the music which would have caused some kind of conversation but Sam keeps quiet about it and lets Dean drive.

The boys are about fifty miles out from the bunker when Dean starts to get tired. It’s just about 4AM and Sam grabs the wheel from Dean’s hands, yelling at him to wake up. He had been driving in the wrong lane. Luckily, there had been no oncoming traffic.

“Jesus, Dean! Why didn’t you just wake me up?” Sam slowly lets go of the wheel as Dean pulls off to the side of the road. He grips the wheel tightly and lets his breath even out before he speaks.

“I’m sorry, Sammy. I didn’t realize I was that tired,” Dean slowly looks over at Sam, who’s less than amused with the current state of things. Dean lets his hands fall to lap and presses his forehead against the steering wheel.

“Come on, let me drive. We’re almost there.”

Dean moves his hand to the door handle and pushes the door open. He isn’t going to argue, he had just almost killed them. The crisp cold air fills the car and makes Dean wish they were already back at the bunker so he can sleep in his nice, warm, memory foam bed. He stretches his tired muscles before passing Sam in front of the Impala. As he turns to get into the passenger seat he sees a small movement out of the corner of his eye. He faces the rear of the car and tries to make his eyes focus on the figure moving towards him. He quickly moves his hand to the gun on his hip. He looks to Sam who’s standing on the other side of the car in a similar stance. He turns his eyes back to the figure and slowly starts to realize who it is and watches as he falls about ten feet from the back of the car.

“Cas!” Sam calls and starts moving before Dean can even register what’s happening. Dean doesn’t move. He’s stuck.

“Dean! Help me get him in the car!” Dean is still frozen.

“Dean!” Sam calls again. Dean shakes his head and slowly walks towards the angel and his brother. Cas’ eyes are closed and his face is bloody. He had definitely been in some kind of fight. Dean kneels down in front of Cas and carefully lifts his chin up.

“Dean,” Cas mumbles and falls against Sam. Sam stumbles forward nearly causing both men to fall to the ground before Dean grabs Cas’ other arm and pulls him upright to get him to the car. There is no way Dean is going to sleep now and forces Sam to let him drive the rest of the way to the bunker. Sam had tried to argue but gave up when it was obvious Dean wasn’t going to back down. He would never let anyone know the only reason he wanted to drive was so that he could keep an eye on Cas in the back seat. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” Dean thinks and starts the engine. As much as he had previously wanted Cas to come back he wasn’t ready for this.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update: May 4th


	6. Staying Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is wrong with Cas.

Cas stays in his room for days. Sam and Dean both try to speak to him but he never responds and Sam feels they shouldn’t intrude on his personal time. No sounds or movements come from the room and Dean is sure that Cas has left again. It wouldn’t shock him if that were the case. Cas had developed a habit of showing up and leaving unexpectedly.

On the fourth day Dean finds Sam in the library looking through some books that he thinks mentions Metatron. The bunker is proving to be more useful than just a place to shower, eat, and sleep in safety. Dean picks up the book closest to him and thumbs through the pages and sighs. He knows Sam has looked up from his own book and is staring at him but he doesn’t look back.

“He just needs time, Dean,” Sam says. Dean lets some of the tension in his shoulders go. Even now, after years and years of being together Dean is still impressed when Sam knows what’s going though his mind by just body language alone. Something in Sam’s words pulls on Dean’s nerves and he finds himself to be more annoyed than anything. Why did he need to give Cas anything? He had thought he was dead for months and now he was just supposed to sit back and give him space?

“We’re just sitting here with our thumbs up our asses thinking that we’re being polite by leaving him alone,” Dean snaps. He knows he’s said too much and he hopes that Sam doesn’t ask any questions. Questions lead to confessions about Purgatory and how when he finally had found Cas it ripped his heart open leaving a Cas sized hole in his chest.

“Why would you say something like that? I’m sure he has a good reason for leaving us out of whatever is going on with him. He may not be human but he was very clear about the guilt that he felt about what he did in Heaven. I don’t know about you, but I can identify with that,” Dean knew Sam was right. Cas had felt a lot of guilt for what he had done in Heaven. He had killed thousands of his brothers and sisters and he knew trying to argue with Sam about it was useless because Sam himself had some guilt about things he had done in the past.

“I’m done waiting for him to come around,” Dean slams the book he’s holding down on the table in front of sam and leaves the library before he can talk himself out of what he’s about to do. Dean paces in front of Cas’ door a few times before knocking. There is no answer and he knows the longer he just stands there the more he’ll chicken out. He places a hand on the door handle and slowly turns it. He steps inside the darkness and closes the door behind him to let his eyes adjust. He take a few steps towards the light switch.

“Don’t,” He freezes when Cas’ voice cuts through the darkness. His voice is wrong and it makes Dean’s hands itch to continue to the light but he doesn’t. Instead he puts his hands in his pockets and digs his fingernails into his palms to stop himself from turning around and leaving. He puts his back to the wall and slides down until he’s sitting on the floor facing the center of the room. His eyes are adjusted just enough that he can see a faint outline of the angel curled up into a ball at the end of his bed.

“You alright, Cas?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” There’s a brokenness in Cas’ voice that Dean recognizes right away. He knows without a doubt coming in Cas’ room was a huge mistake.

“I...I thought you left again,” Dean always said too much when talking to Cas.

“I have nowhere to go, Dean,” there’s a shift in the room and it makes Dean tense up, ”I tried to go home.” Hearing those words out of Cas’ mouth feels like a slap to the face. Dean had been thinking of Cas as home for a long time and it crushes him that Cas doesn’t feel the same way. When Cas isn’t around he feels like a lost child crying for it’s mother or a lost puppy following strangers home. He feels like he’s in a one man cult chasing a belief that everyone else thinks is crazy.

“You have me. I mean...Sammy and I. Both of us. Kevin too, if you want,” more shifting in the room. He can hear Cas moving around the room and it makes him nervous.

“Yes, thank you for that.”

“I mean it, Cas,” Dean stands and takes a step towards the light switch, “We’re here for you. You’re part of our family. Okay?”

“Okay, Dean.” Something feels wrong. Dean takes another step but is stopped by Cas standing right in front of him. He can’t see anything but he knows this isn’t the Cas he wants. This isn’t the Cas he needs. He quickly reaches around Cas and flips the light switch up. Dean’s eyes burn at the sudden presence of light. Cas stands before him still bloody, bruised, and broken. His clothes are still ripped and stained with blood and dirt. His eyes are full of a sadness that makes Dean feel sick. He wants to reach out and ease the pain but he knows he can’t. He can’t do it. He looks the same as he did when he had found him in Purgatory and tears start to prick at his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Dean says. Cas moves to the side and Dean takes no time at all to get out of there. He wants to wrap his arms around Cas so badly that it hurts but he can’t let himself get too close. Not this time.

_“Pull it together.”_ He thinks and closes his bedroom door behind him. As soon as he’s sure he won’t be bothered he pulls the hidden bottle of whiskey out from under his bed and takes several drinks from it. The burning in his throat is a reminder that soon he won’t feel anything and the thought is more comforting than he wants to admit and it’s the only real comfort he’s going to get tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update: May 11th.


	7. Ambulance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas talks to Dean...Kinda.

Dean doesn’t sleep much. He’s tormented by dreams of Purgatory and Cas’ broken and unfamiliar face. He is awake, showered, and ready to make himself breakfast by 5AM.  After eating, he heads to the library to see if Sam had left any research out that he can look at and and try to piece together. There isn’t much there but he pours himself into the paperwork for hours waiting for Sam to come help him. It’s almost ten before he finally hears some movement from the dorms.

"Sammy, were you able to find anything?" Dean asks absently. There’s no answer but he can feel someone's gaze on him. He looks up expecting to see Sam, but it’s Cas. He’s cleaned up and his hair is still damp from the shower he was sure he didn't need to take, but there was still bruising on his face. He looked him up and down one more time until his eyes finally rested on one of his own old t-shirts. In fact, everything Cas was wearing was Dean's. The clothing was a little too big but he looked like a normal person. Dean's heart races at the thought of Cas looking “normal”. Cas wasn’t normal. He’s not normal. He’s an angel. He’s not a man.

"I didn't have any clothes of my own. Sam gave these to me last night. I'll give them back as soon as my things are done washing," Cas takes a small step forward but then stops. Staring at Dean, he seems to be waiting for some kind of instruction or command. Dean tries his best to ignore him and gives him a nod before he goes back to looking at the papers in front of him. He hears a small sigh come from Cas' direction and then some shuffling in the kitchen.

It isn’t that he wants to ignore Cas, in fact, he wants to do the exact opposite. It’s the fact that if he starts talking to him, or to anyone for that matter, he would have to say and remember things he doesn’t want to think about. Things he’s not ready to admit to or try to explain to anyone because he barely understands them himself.

Dean had barely made it out of Purgatory alive. Yes, Purgatory was uncomplicated and brought out the primal side of himself, but it also made him realize that Cas was important to him. He spent so much time trying to find Cas and thinking about him that he could think of nothing else. He spent months looking for him, praying to him, and crying for him. He was weak but also strong because Cas was his reason for fighting. He was lucky to have found help in Purgatory.

_Benny._

" _Dammit_ ," He thinks, standing to walk back to his room. He was almost to his door when he hears Cas call out to him.

"Dean, I'd like to talk to you…" Cas' voice is still so different. He doesn’t sound like himself. It was like listening to an echo of what Cas once was, "about what happened in Purgatory."

Dean stops walking but Cas keep talking. Dean doesn’t dare turn around. If he does he would have to talk about it and he’s not ready.

"I'm sorry, Dean." Sorry? He was sorry. Dean took a deep breath and turned to face Cas. Anger was the only thing motivating him at this point.

"For what, Cas?"  Even though there is still a few feet between them Dean feels like he’s being smothered but he also wants to take a step closer. Dean stays where he is and Cas takes the step closer.

"For…everything," Cas says.

"Disappearing on me? Letting me think you were dead?" The thoughts were out of his mouth before he could really think about what he was saying. Dean's anger was slowly building. Anger he didn't want to feel.

Cas took another step forward, "Dean."

"No. Just…stay away from me. Just go, Cas. It's what you do."

"If that is what you want." Cas has that look in his eyes. That look of not understanding what is happening but dealing with it however it is that angels deal with things they don't understand. Part of Dean wants to tell him to stay but that part of him couldn't win. Not today.

Before the conversation can go any further Dean steps into his room and closes the door. He doesn’t want to think about how he failed Cas in Purgatory, how he wasn’t able to save himself and his best friend. He knows that Cas wants to apologize but it’s Dean who needs to be sorry and talking to Cas is only going to bring back those feelings of loss, guilt, and shame. He can't feel those things when he needs to focus on the task at hand. Closing the gates of Hell. 

The bottle of whiskey is still where he had left it and it looks as inviting as ever because what he really wants is for Cas to stay. Stay and never leave again, because he needs him around. He needs him here, safe, by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> From here on out there will be no schedule for the remaining chapters but I will do my best to keep them weekly. I had an accident with my computer I lost several chapters and I have to re-write them to the best of my ability. Everything (the previous chapters and the few that I was able to dig up from my rough draft) is now backed up on Google Docs. 
> 
> I'm so sorry. 
> 
> \- Sarah


	8. Don't Poke The Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gets a reality check and Sam's the one who wrote it.

Dean slowly slips back into consciousness. He rolls over and presses his face into his pillow. He had had too much to drink and was still drunk. He raises his head slightly and glances at his clock. It’s only been a few hours since he passed out. He closes his eyes and hopes that the pounding on his door will stop.

“Dean, open the damn door!”

“Alright, Alright. I’m coming!” He calls out. He stands and has to lean on the desk by his bed to stop from falling over. He makes his way to the door using the wall for support. When he makes it to the door he puts on his most sober face and opens the door just enough to see Sam’s angry face staring back at him.

“You told him to leave?” Sam accuses. Dean rolls his eyes and looks down at the floor. Sam would never understand. This situation with Cas was so totally and completely fucked up he isn’t sure _he_ fully understood.

“Yeah,” Dean sighs, looking at Sam as if he could will him to understand. Sam takes a small step back looking confused, hurt, and then angry all in a matter of seconds. His eyes are searching Dean’s face for any kind of explanation.

“I can’t believe you.”

Dean feels the guilt clawing it’s way up his body, digging in and refusing to let go. He wants to tell sam everything. He wants to make him understand that talking about it makes it real. He swore to himself he would never talk about it again. Anger suddenly replaces his guilt and he pulls the door open all the way and launches at his brother, grabbing his shirt and pulling him down to his level.

“Don’t you make me feel guilty about this, Sammy! I’ve had enough of feeling guilty,” Deans eyes sting with tears but there is no way in Hell he’s going to let them fall. He has to be be strong, even if there is a storm raging inside his chest.

Sam grabs Dean’s hands and pulls them away from himself roughly, ”Have you been drinking?” Sam asks. Dean lets out a breath he doesn’t realize he’s holding. He swore he would stop drinking. He swore it and he lied. He was useless drunk and Sam knew it. He was just like his dad, “You promised, Dean.”

“I’m sorry.”

Sadness fills Sam’s eyes. Dean can see the tears forming as he turns to walk away. He takes a few steps and then stops. Dean stands staring at the back of Sam’s head hope and wishing he doesn’t say what he think’s he’s going to say. He's going to tell him how different he is and how useless he is. He wishes with everything inside of himself. The tears are too big to keep away now and they fall freely down his face.

“I don’t know what happened to you, Dean. I don’t know what happened in Purgatory, or what happened between you and Cas,” Sam turns around, “but I can’t help you if you don’t let me in. It’s supposed to be you and me against the world. We’re supposed to be brother’s, Dean, and right now...I feel like I don’t even know you. You changed.”

Sam’s right. He failed him, again, he let him down and broken another promise. He failed Cas too. He needed to tell someone what happened in Purgatory so that he could move on. He needed to tell someone about what happened to him and how he and Cas had changed. He wants to talk about it but the thought makes his stomach tie up in knots. He doesn’t know what to say so he just stands there staring, willing his tears not to fall, but they leave a warm wet betrayal on his face.

“Cas is staying,” Sam adds and walks towards the library leaving Dean with the war raging inside his chest. Sam’s words melt into him and seep into thoughts. Sam was right. He had changed. Purgatory changed him. He had spent a year in that place searching for Cas. Killing and stabbing to stay alive. He had spent months thinking Cas was dead or had been taken by some creature trying to get revenge on Dean. That journey led him to someone he knows he'll never see again. Someone who Dean owed a lot to and he would never be able to repay that debt.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So, I have been able to re-write a lot of what I deleted, but my message before stands.  
> I don't know that I'll be able to update weekly, but I'll try!  
> Please let me know how you like the story so far, I have no idea how anyone feels about it.  
> Thank you so much to those of you who have read this, it makes my heart very happy. 
> 
> -Sarah


	9. Unexpected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean meets Benny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place in Purgatory 3 months after Cas and Dean arrive.

“I’ve been watching you, Winchester.”

Dean stands keeping his back to the unfamiliar voice, “Is that right?” He asks, looking down at the lifeless body at his feet. Killing things for information on Cas had gotten much easier. Maybe too easy.

“You’re looking for the angel. I know where he is,” Dean slowly turns around to face the man, makeshift knife in hand.

“Where?”

“Well, I’d love to tell you, I really would. But information around here ain’t free. I’m gonna need something from you,” The man opens his mouth to show his sharp fangs. Dean’s grip on his knife tightens and the man’s eyes fall to Dean’s hand. “Keep calm there, brother. I’m not gonna do anything I’m gonna regret. I know what you’re capable of. Just wanna make sure you know who you’re dealing with.”

Dean keeps his eyes on the man in front of him and takes a step forward. The man stands his ground. Dean slowly relaxes his shoulders but keeps his grip on his knife tight, fighting the urge to lunge forward and cut this blood suckers head off.

“I’m Benny,” The vamp says and smiles. His fangs are gone.

“Dean.”

“Oh, I know who you are. You’re kind of a legend around here.” Benny raises his arms and looks out into the dense woods around them. Dean laughs darkly and lowers his knife but keeps his grip unchanged on the handle.

“Where’s Cas?”

“Well, I’m going to tell you after you put down that knife and agree to get me outta here,” Dean stares at Benny. There was no way out of Purgatory that Dean had heard of and there was no way he was going to let Benny get top side. He was a vampire for crying out loud. Did this vampire think he was stupid? No way he’s helping this asshole do anything.

Just as Dean is going to dismiss himself from the conversation his hears a noise coming from behind him. He knows he can’t move. What if this had been a trap the whole time? He had a vampire not five feet from him and he knew if he turned Benny wouldn’t hesitate to kill him despite the deal he had just tried to make.

Whatever is behind him is getting closer and closer. Whatever it is it isn’t human. Its snarling and growling sends panic and fear shooting down Dean’s spine. He turns around just in time to see a leviathan loose it’s head. He glances to the left and see’s Benny standing there with the thing’s head in his hand, thick black goo dripping from the fresh cut.

“I told you, I want to get outta here,” Benny throws the head down a nearby hill and wipes his blade on the leg of his pants.

_Should I trust a vampire? No, vampires can’t be trusted. But he just saved my life. Or was it part of the plan? Does he really know where Cas is? Is there really a way out of Purgatory?_

“I’ll do it. But, I’ll kill you if I have to,” He says. He doesn’t know this vampire but he decides that finding Cas is more important than letting this vampire go. Everything inside Dean screams for him to run the other way but he needs to find Cas and if this vampire has any information, he needs to find out what it is.

 

“Alright, brother. Let’s go find your angel.” He smiles at Dean and it looks sincere, but then again, he is a vampire and vampires can’t be trusted.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if anything seems OOC. I watched the scene where Dean and Benny meet for the first time and tried to base this off of that. I don't know if it's coming across correctly and I feel like it's lacking a bit, but I decided to post it anyway. 
> 
> Also, I have no idea what the time frame for things happening in Purgatory is in the show, but for my story I made up my own time frame. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	10. Everything Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean learns a horrible truth about Cas.

With the thoughts of Purgatory starting to make a permanent home Dean’s mind the bunker becomes almost unbearable. The tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife.

Cas tries to talk to Dean but Dean just pretends Cas isn’t there. He ignores him and finally Cas does the same but he can still feel Cas’ eyes on his back when they are in the same room and sometimes Cas catches Dean staring at him. They never speak unless it’s absolutely necessary and Dean is okay with it - at least he pretends to be okay with it. He wishes he could talk to Cas, but when he feels like he’s going to do it something stops him. He’s starting to feel trapped and he’s starting to feel like he needs to escape.

“Dean?” Cas pokes his head in the doorway of Dean’s room, causing Dean to stop pacing and look at Cas for the first time in a few days, “I was going to make a trip to the store..but I’m...I’m not myself. Would you take me?”

As usual they stare at eachother a little too long and Dean feels like there is fire in his ribs. He wants to reach out and pull Cas into a hug and tell him how sorry he is but he forces himself to stay put. His eyes finally leave Cas’ eyes and he’s able to see that Cas doesn’t look well. His face is too sharp looking, his cheeks are hollow, and there are incredibly dark circles under his eyes. Dean’s chest aches with the want and need to ask him what’s going on. He almost does but he bites his tongue hard enough to draw blood to stop himself. He nods at Cas instead. He can take him to the store. He can do that one simple thing. It’s the least he could do. He searches Cas face for any sign of relief or happiness but there’s nothing. Just a blank lifeless stare that wraps around Dean’s insides and squeezes.

The drive to the nearest store that has all the items they need will take thirty minutes. Dean rolls down the windows and turns on the radio to drown out the silence. It’s painful to be this close to Cas and not talk to him. He wants to find out what’s going on. He wants to ask Cas about Purgatory. They were totally alone and nothing could stop him from getting the information that he wanted. He also wanted to ask why he wasn’t healing like he should be. Now would be the time to ask these questions but instead he turns up the radio a little more and hums along to the music.

They had made it halfway to the store when Dean steals a look at Cas and realizes something is wrong. Cas’ eyes are closed but it doesn’t look like he’s sleeping. He looks lifeless.

“Cas?” He reaches over and places a hand on his shoulder lightly shaking him. There’s no response, “Shit.”

Dean slams on the brakes, pulling off to the side of the road. He pulls out his cell phone and dials Sam. While he waits for an answer he opens his door, gets out of the car, and walks to the passenger side. He pulls Cas’ door open and touches Cas’ face. His fingers burn where his skin meets Cas’ and he pulls them away like he’s touched a hot stove. Sam finally answers.

“Sam! Something is wrong with Cas,“ He slaps Cas’ face lightly, again his fingers are burned by his skin, “He just passed out. He’s not waking up.”

“What happened?” Dean can hear books being slammed closed and a chair being scraped across the floor.

“Fuck, Sammy! I don’t know. I was just driving and he passed out,” Dean stands and slams Cas’ door and gets back into drivers seat.

“Bring him back.” Sam says. His voice is too calm. It’s too even and it makes Dean worry. He’s clearly keeping something from him. Dean stares at Cas’ lifeless body and he regrets ignoring him. What if this had been the last time that he got to see him? What if this was it? He looks down at his hand. It doesn’t burn anymore but it’s warm to the touch. It reminds him of the time Cas healed him. His wounds had disappeared but his skin had been warm where the wounds had been. He closes his phone and turns the car around and heads back to the bunker.

Sam is waiting outside the bunker with Kevin when he pulls up. Sam opens Cas’ door and lifts him up and out of the car and into the building. Dean sits there staring at the door until Kevin is standing by his window telling him that Sam needs him. He doesn’t remember driving back to the bunker and he doesn’t remember walking in to talk to Sam. All he can see is Cas’ lifeless body lying on the table behind where Sam is standing.

“We need to talk,” Sam says and guides dean by the elbow to the library and sits him down. Sam pulls up a chair and places it right in front of Dean. He’s sitting too close and it makes Dean feel uncomfortable, “Cas…” Sam doesn’t finish, the silence forces Dean to snap back to the present.

“Cas, what?” He demands. Is he dead? Is this his fault?

“He started the trials.” Dean blinks at his brothers words and takes a deep breath letting the words twist and pull, making a home in his brain.

“He what?” Dean’s whole world is flipped just like that. _Cas started the trials? How? When?_ “Can an angel even do that?” 

“The day you told him to leave...he came to me and told me that he had started the trials. He wanted to tell you, Dean.” Sam’s face is unreadable and his voice is too calm, “He wanted to be the one to tell you.”

Dean makes a fist and lets his nails dig into his palm. The pain keeps him grounded. He should have just talked to him. This was his fault. Why would Cas do something like this? Why had he started the trials to begin with? He can’t look at his brother anymore so he looks at the ground. Why couldn’t he just have one freaking good thing in his life? Why couldn’t he just not be fucked up? He can’t be here anymore.

“I...I have to go. I can’t, Sammy. I can’t do this,” Dean stands to leave but is stopped when Sam grabs him by the arm.

“I don’t understand, Dean. One minute you want him here, then you tell him to leave, and now you can’t be here for him when he needs you the most? What the hell is going on? What is so bad that you can’t stick around for your best friend?” Sam stands, “I know you think I don’t know Dean, but I know. I can see it everyday. I’ve seen it every damn day. You walk around here with the weight of the world on your shoulders and you don’t have to carry it alone! You don’t have to do this alone!”

Dean pulls away from his brother and starts to back out of the library.

_Sam can’t know. He can’t._

Before his mind catches up he’s driving. He doesn’t know where he’s going but he knows the bunker is no longer an option. With every mile he puts between himself and the bunker he can feel the guilt grow. It was his fault. It had to be his fault there was no other explanation. Everything he was mad at the world for was his fault. Everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to get way off the course of the show, but keep reading.   
> Everything will be explained and make sense. 
> 
> Please leave feedback if you questions or anything!   
> Thank you for reading!


	11. I'm a Believer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benny knows more about Dean then Dean does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place in Purgatory.

“Benny,” Dean eyes Benny from where he sits, his back up against a tree, “Do you think we’re going to find him?”

“I ain’t big on faith, Dean, but I think you’ll find him,” Benny says and smiles. There is a small fire between them keeping them warm as night falls. Benny continues to sharpen the blade on his makeshift axe with a small rock. Dean watches as the rock meets the blade and creates sparks that fall at Benny’s side. It’s been three months since Dean and Benny started to look for Cas and he’s finally no longer ashamed to admit that Benny might be his friend. He had saved his ass several times and even if Benny was a vampire, he was thankful he was there.

“Thank you,” Dean sighs. Benny stops his movements and looks at Dean over the flames. Dean closes his eyes and lets himself feel tired for the first time in a few days. Sleeping isn’t exactly something you get to enjoy in Purgatory but since Benny, he’s gotten to enjoy it a little more than when he first arrived.

"You love him don’t you?” Benny asks. Dean’s eyes snap open and his body tenses, “No need for dramatics, Winchester. I’m not here to judge you. You know? I actually feel a little bit jealous of you. You’ve got something to live for. Even in a place like this.”

Dean keeps his mouth shut but continues looking at Benny who had already gone back to sharpening his blade. Does he love Cas? Of course he does, he’s his best friend. But does he _love_ Cas? Dean feels something clawing in the pit of his stomach. Something he can't afford to let grow in a place like this. Why had he been looking for Cas all this time? Sure, Cas was his friend, but why was he willing to nearly kill himself to find him? Why did he pray to him every night hoping he would just show up and tell him he was okay? He could admit that he loved Cas. He could admit that. He was friend, hell, he was his family.

But maybe this was something different. Maybe this was more than just a love for a family member. He didn’t feel quite like this for Sam. It was the same but something was different. Maybe more intense? More personal? More romantic? No. That doesn’t feel right? Or does it?

Dean closes his eyes and focuses on the sound of rock scraping along Benny’s blade, letting the sound cut through his thoughts. He can't give up now. No matter what his most inner self is saying. He has too much to fight for. He does love him. And maybe that’s okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think or if you have any questions or comments! 
> 
> -Sarah


	12. Let It Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean lets the pain in.

Dean drives for nearly two days. He knows he hasn’t made a smart choice but being out here in the open is better than being in the bunker watching Cas give up his life for some half assed vengeance mission he and his brother started 8 years ago.

He stops at a motel in a small town with a ridiculously low population. The town consists of a few buildings and lots of farmland. There’s a grocery store, a motel, and and liquor store. He checks in around two in the morning, but not before stopping at the liquor store for a large bottle of cheap whiskey. He feels guilty for buying it but he doesn’t care enough to stop himself.

As soon as he’s safely in the hotel room he opens the bottle and gulps down the golden liquid. He keeps drinking until his throat is burning and there are drops dripping from his chin. He slams the bottle down and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. The whiskey burns all the way down to his belly leaving a warm sensation running through his veins. He quietly walks to the bathroom, strips his clothes off, and turns on the water. As he steps in he catches his reflection in the mirror. The scar is faint but he can just make out where Cas’ fingertips had been. He roughly pulls back the shower curtain and steps under the warm spray and lets it wash away two days worth of sweat and grime.

Even though his shower had relaxed his body, his mind is still racing with thoughts of what’s going on at the bunker. He takes a few more gulps of whiskey and sits at the table in his towel waiting for the thoughts of Cas to slip away. He’s just over half way though with the bottle before he’s drunk enough to get into bed and have a real nights sleep. He stumbles to the bed and falls on top of the blankets, his towel still secure around his waist. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows no matter what happens now he won’t remember it in the morning.

“Cas, you stupid son of a bitch. I fucking fought for you. I killed for you,” He rolls over onto his stomach and lets the tears he had been holding back for so long run freely into the blanket below him. He slowly lets the wall down and pain seeps in. He lets it consume him. He doesn’t care who can hears him. He’s lets it all out. He sobs, cries, and screams into the musty mattress under him.

He lays there for a long time, not moving, listening to his breath enter and exit his lungs. “Please, don’t let this kill you,” He mumbles and finally drifts to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> This chapter was really hard to write because I feel like it's OOC.  
> This is one of the chapters that I lost a few weeks ago and had to re-write.  
> I'm sorry if it's not "Dean". 
> 
> I will have an update next Sunday (possibly before) but there won't be one the following Sunday because I'll be at Disneyland! So, I'll post when I get home!


	13. Words Are All We Have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean finds out some good news and some bad news.

Dean spends most of the next few days in his hotel room feeling sorry for himself. He only leaves for food and more whiskey.

Why hadn’t he just been honest with Cas? Why hadn’t he just tried harder to forget Purgatory? Why hadn’t he been honest with Sam? Why had he done so many bad things in his life?

He could have done anything with his life after his father died but he convinced himself that he needed to be a hunter. A hunter over anything that he had actually wanted for himself. He had had a taste of normal life with Lisa and Ben and he was forced to end it because he couldn't let the hunter in him just die. He had had a family and responsibilities and a job that was going to guarantee some kind of security for himself.

Hunting is a job that guarantees death. It guarantees pain and suffering and it also guarantees losing people. It meant losing a battle that shouldn’t have ever been started. Sure, there had been some good times. There were small victories, but they were quickly pushed to the side when something bigger came along. They never had a day off. There was no time for celebration of birthdays or holidays. There was no time for mourning loved ones who were ripped from the world too soon.

Dean is so deep in his self pity he almost misses the fact that his cell phone has been ringing. He drags himself out of bed and stares at the screen. It’s Sam. He wants to answer but his fingers are already moving to ignore the call. He sets the phone down and stares at it.

 

_Beep_

 

A text.

 

_Beep_

 

Dean picks up the phone and scrolls through the messages.

 

Dean, I need to talk to you. Call me.

Dean, please reply.

Where are you? Answer me.

Dean! Please...call me!

 

By the time he gets to the last text he’s decided to call and at least let him know he’s okay. But there is no way in hell he’s going back to that bunker.

_“Dean? Where are you? Are you alright?”_ Sam’s questions all mush together in Dean’s mind and leaves him scrambling for an answer.

“Yeah, I’m alright Sammy.” There’s shuffling on the other end and then the sound of a door closing.

_“Dean, you’ve gotta come back. We think we found Metatron.”_

“What?” Dean’s head starts spinning. He’s not sure if it’s from the hangover or the fact that his brother has told him the first piece of good news he’s heard in a long time. He rubs a hand over his face and tries to focus on Sam’s words and not his pounding headache.

_“There’s more,”_ Sam pauses for a moment and Dean thinks he’s been disconnected before Sam starts speaking again, _“Cas is gone.”_

“Gone?” Dean barks. He stands too quickly and the contents in his stomach stir, forcing him to sit back down. Cas is gone again? Where had he gone? Was he well enough? He doesn’t want to hear anymore so he hangs up and puts his head in his hands willing his headache to go away. He feels sick.

After a few moments he knows he has to go back. He has to hold it together just a little longer. He can do that. Fake it until you make it. He walks around the room picking up his things and placing them in his duffle. He makes his way to the bathroom and plucks his things from the counters. He passes the mirror and something is wrong. He freezes and lets the things in his hands fall to the floor. There is another reflection and there is no mistaking who those blue eyes belong to.

“Hello Dean.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm back from vacation! Disney was awesome!  
> I'm thinking that I'll be able to update on Sunday!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	14. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas has something to show Dean.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice falters and it makes him feel insignificant and small. He stands there staring. He blinks a few times just to make sure what’s he’s seeing his real. It sure feels real.  

“I heard you,” Cas’ gaze is burning into him. He feels tiny under his gaze but looking the angel in eye is not going to happen.

“What are you doing here?”

“I heard...what you said,” Cas looks different. He looks like someone who has lost something and has nothing left to lose. He has lost the look of celestial being and looks more like a man. A normal, broken down man.

Dean is only partially aware of what Cas is talking about. His last few nights had consisted of drinking until he couldn’t stand and then puking all day the next day. He vaguely remembers cursing the angel.

Dean bends down and picks up the items he dropped at his feet. He stands and places the things inside his open duffle. He doesn’t know what to say. There’s so much to talk about and he can’t think of a single damn thing to say. How do you tell your best friend that things are different? How do you tell them that you don't want to just be friends or that you feel something you know you shouldn't? 

“I need to tell you the truth,” Cas offers. The truth? What truth? Dean looks at everything except the angels face. “I don’t have much time.”

Dean realizes that this could be the last time he see’s Cas. This could be the last time he speaks to him ever. Dean sits on the edge of the bed and keeps his eyes on the floor, “What truth?”

“The truth about Benny. It wasn’t an accident that he found you,” Cas looks to the empty space beside Dean as if wants to sit there but doesn’t. Instead he sits on the floor in front of Dean. It makes Dean feel uncomfortable. He doesn’t want to have look down at the angel.

“Are you going to explain, Cas? Or are you just going to sit there?” Dean snaps. The longer he he sits there, the more it feels like he’s being swallowed into a black hole with no way of knowing when he’s going to hit the bottom.

Cas looks up at him and Dean finally meets his gaze. He notices his eyes are watering like he’s about to start crying. Angels don’t cry. The thought makes Dean’s skin crawl and he feels guilty for ever being angry with Cas. Tears prick in his own eyes and he looks back to the floor in front of Cas.

Cas moves towards Dean with an outstretched hand and gets up on his knees and gently touches a hand to Dean's thigh. he tenses as Cas' other hand makes it's way to Dean's face. He feels peace immediately. His skin tingles and burns where Cas’ hand rests and he’s no longer able to hold in the tears that he was trying so hard to make go away. He closes his eyes and focuses on the feelings Cas is sending through him. It feels warm and peaceful and just as quickly as the feelings come they are gone.

Dean opens his eyes. He’s in Purgatory again but it isn’t quite right. The shadows are too bright. The smell is too sweet. It takes him a moment before he realizes he’s in Cas’ memory. And there was Benny standing right there. Right in front of him. Close enough to touch.

Dean’s stomach twists in ways he didn’t know it could and his chest tightens so tight he thinks it might explode.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may get a bit weird after this because we're getting to the parts that I'm still re-writing (because I accidentally deleted a HUGE portion of this fic). 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	15. Something Only We Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth about how Benny meets Dean.

PURGATORY - BENNY

Benny has been in Purgatory longer than he wants to remember. Time isn’t the same here as it is topside. He had tried to stop keeping track of time after the first few years but somehow he still knew that he had been in Purgatory for fifty. Fifty long, awful, haunting years.

This particular day something feels off. There is nothing right about Purgatory, but when something is wrong or different everything in Purgatory can feel it. It’s like the air feels cooler and electric and has a sweetness to it. Benny checks his pockets for the few things he does own in Purgatory and heads out to search for the disruption.

When Benny had first arrived in Purgatory he remembered his old life as clear as day, but as time went on he started to forget things. Not to mention that if you died you would not only lose memories but you would lose whole chunks of time. The first time Benny was killed it was only a few hours after he had gotten into Purgatory. He had come back and had forgotten the name of his first pet. The second time was a few months after that and was left wondering what his mother and fathers names were. The third time he couldn’t remember much about where he grew up. After that he decided he wouldn’t be killed again.

He walks nearly four hours before he sees a flash of light across the way. He focuses his eyes on the line of trees and spots a ball of light. It’s bright and almost too hard to look at, kind of like the sun. He takes a few cautious steps forward and stares at it for a moment longer before deciding to inspect it a little closer.

It doesn’t take long to climb the ledge where the light flashes and pulses. Benny stops a few feet in front of it trying to stare into the center. It looks as if he can see a forest. Not like the forest here, but real forest. Green trees and living things. He slowly reaches out a hand to touch the light and is flung backwards into the side of the hill, his head hitting a large rock. He feels the blood leak from his head but he’s too dizzy to move. Whatever that thing is its powerful and it wants nothing to do with him.

When Benny opens his eyes again he knows its close to night fall. He’s propped up against a tree and feels better than he ever has. He reaches a hand to the back of his head to check for bleeding but there is nothing there. Not even a scratch or bump.  

“I healed you,” Benny’s attention is quickly directed to a man kneeling a few feet from him but he can tell this isn’t an actual man. He glows in all the wrong places like there is a river of white pulsing under his skin.

“Who are you?” Benny asks quietly pulling himself into a more comfortable position. The man looks to the glowing ball and then back to Benny. The man’s gaze is intense and makes the hairs on the back his his back stand on end. He can see that he’s not being threatened but his body is reacting like he is.

“I don’t have a lot of time. I need you to do something for me,” The man stands and places a sharp rock to his own neck cutting his skin. The blood dripping down his neck makes Benny’s stomach turn and he feels the familiar burn his fangs cause when it’s time to feed. He slides his tongue over his fangs as they quickly pierce his gums causing his mouth to water. Benny roughly digs his fingernails into the dirt and gravel in an attempt to distract himself.

“What do you want?” The words leave Benny’s mouth harsher than he means and forces himself to look away from the blood. He keeps his breathing even while breathing out of his mouth to avoid smelling the blood.

“You don’t know what that light is. You tried to touch it and you are not human,” The man says quickly and Benny slowly shakes his head, “It’s a portal. Only humans can pass through.”

Benny looks at the glowing light again and everything starts to make sense. That’s why Purgatory felt so off. There is someone there who wasn’t supposed to be. A human. He looks again to the man in front of him and is slightly shocked to see the man pulling a bright blue light from his self inflicted wound.

“This is a portion of my grace,” The man pulls a small bottle from his coat and lets the grace float into it, “I need you to take it and find Dean Winchester. Find him and get him out of here. The portal will stay open as long as he is alive. Do not look for me. Do not tell him of our arrangement. Do not tell him you have seen me. I need you to understand the importance of this.”

Benny nods at the man as the realization of what he is washes over him. He knows that he should be running or at least trying to get answers but he feels stuck. Like there is a weight on him that’s preventing him from speaking or moving. The man carefully walks towards him and places the small bottle on the ground about a few feet from where he’s leaning against the tree.

“When the time is right open this bottle and let my grace in. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to feel like the fires of Hell are alive inside your ribs. It won’t last forever. Find Dean and get him out.” The angel crouches down in front of Benny and looks into his eyes for a few moments before standing and taking a few steps back. Benny’s teeth receded back into his gums and he takes a few head clearing breaths before he tests his muscles to see if he can move again.

“What’s in it for me?” Benny’s asks. He’s not stupid. He knows there is going to be some kind of risk involved with trying to find a human and he knows he’s going to have to risk his life to keep Dean from getting killed and letting the portal close and that means losing more memories.

“The portal is for human use only but if your soul were to somehow find it’s way into Dean you could pass through as well.”

“How do I know this ‘Dean’ is gonna help me out?” Benny stands facing the angel.

“He will.”

Benny stands there and watches as the angel walks away. He bends down and plucks the bottle from the ground, and holds it flat in the palm of his hand. The grace looks like liquid smoke. It’s bright and he feels a slight vibration in his hand from it.

Could it be true? Is there a way for him to get back to a real life? Is there a way for him to find his creator and make him pay for ruining his life? He had been a just a guy with a life before he had been turned. Was it really possible to get out of Purgatory? Did he want to get out? Life in Purgatory isn’t a walk in the park, but it’s uncomplicated and he knows what to expect. Kill or be killed. What if he can’t contain his thirst for blood? He swore he’d never take an innocent life again.

He looks down at the bottle again and closes his hand around it. Feeling the light vibrating in his hand is slightly comforting. He can do this. He can find the human and get him out. He has plenty of time to think about his option to stay or go.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :) 
> 
> happywilkie.tumblr.com


	16. PURGATORY - 11 MONTHS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Benny find Cas, but something isn't right.

“Benny are we getting close?” Dean isn’t one for complaining but he’s tired, hungry, and thirsty. Benny looks over his shoulder and Dean and smiles.

“Yeah. Not much further. I was told he was hangin’ out down by the water. Maybe a mile or so. Think you can make it?” 

Dean sighs in response and keeps walking. He has to find Cas. He had to find him and tell him how important he really is. He’s not just a baby in a trench coat. He’s his best friend. He has to tell him that’s he’s the only reason Dean is alive. And Benny, of course.

It’s a little past midday when they make it to the edge of the woods. There is a large opening that leads to the edge of the water. Dean scans the area quickly before continuing down the path to the water. He kneels down and scoops up the water by the handfuls and drinks until he feels full.

Benny watches from a nearby tree stump, ”He’s bound to be around here somewhere.” 

Dean looks up to respond and freezes when he sees something moving behind Benny. Dean reaches for his weapon and nods to Benny. They had become so close over the past few months, Dean didn’t have to say anything to let him know there was something wrong. Benny stands and turns around just in time to see Cas walking out of the woods from nearly exactly the same spot they had just come though. 

Dean stands and drops his knife rushing towards Cas. He slips on the mud under his feet but he doesn’t care. He’s so damn happy to see his friend. He found him. He stumbles to get up the embankment and reaches for his friend. 

“What are you doing here?” Cas’ voice is wrong and Dean stops. 

“I’ve been looking for you. Where have you been? Are you okay?” Dean’s words come out in a rush as he looks his friend over. He sees a lot of dirt and dried blood, but nothing is broken so he’s happy. 

“You need to leave.” Cas’ words sting. Cas’ eyes shift from Dean to Benny and then back to Dean. 

“What? Cas, no. I’ve been looking for you for a damn year!” Dean looks to Benny who walks up to Dean and stands shoulder to shoulder with him. 

“Dean, I think something is wrong,” Benny whispers and puts up a protective arm up in front of Dean to stop him from taking anymore steps towards Cas. Dean looks back to Cas who has now taken a few steps back and stands just in the line of trees. He didn’t look like Cas. His eyes weren’t as blue, he’s dirty, bloody, and bruised. He looks soulless. Like his grace has been ripped out of him. He looks like one of the souls he used to torture in Hell. He looks empty. 

“Cas?” Dean says. Cas’ eyes flick to Dean and then to Benny and he takes another step back. His face stays the same. He doesn’t look scared, or happy, or sad. He just looks blank. 

“You need to leave,” He repeats and his eyes drop to the ground in front of Dean. Dean feels like there’s barbed wire wrapping itself around his heart. The pain is almost crippling. He had risked his life this whole time to find Cas and he’s telling him to leave? Dean needed him. He needed him more than he needed anything else. Dean pushes past Benny’s arm and stands a few feet in front of his friend. Cas’ eyes trail up Dean’s body and rest on his face but his gaze never meets Dean’s. 

“Cas?”

“You shouldn’t have come here. You shouldn’t have...come here. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE COME HERE!”

Dean jumps back from Cas and bites his lip to keep himself from crying out. His eyes fill with tears and he shakes his head in confusion, “I’ve been looking for you.”

“Dean, I think we should back off,” Benny stands just behind Dean placing a hand on his elbow to pull him back. Cas walks past the two men and stands at the edge of the water, eyes seemingly focused on nothing. 

“I don’t understand,” Dean says. He knows how he sounds and he’s sure Benny does too but he doesn’t say anything and Dean’s thankful for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been gone for a long time! But I'm back and I'll be posting once a week again!   
> Keep in mind from here on out there will be flash backs to Purgatory.


	17. The Weight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tells Cas the truth.

PURGATORY - 11 MONTHS

 

Benny slowly reaches out a hand towards the angel. He hasn’t moved in a good five minutes and was just staring at the water in front of him.

 

“I’ve never seen him like this,” Dean says quietly. Benny nods and takes another step forward. Benny steals a glance and Dean and his fingers touch the fabric of the angeles coat. Cas turns around, his eyes are glowing a bright and vibrant blue. Cas raises a hand and both men are sent flying back towards the tree line.

 

Dean lands with a heavy thud, missing a jagged tree stump by a few feet. Benny lands a few yards away groaning as he tries to sit up. Dean’s eyes scan Benny’s body to make sure he’s not hurt too bad before his gaze finds Cas who falls to the ground.

 

“Cas!” Dean calls and pulls himself up and rushes over to Cas.

 

“What just happened?” Benny asks, now at Dean’s side.

 

“I have no idea,” Dean focuses on Cas’ face. There are small movements coming from behind his eyelids. Dean slowly reaches out and touches Cas’ shoulder. His eyes snap open and turns his gaze on Dean looking right into his eyes. He feels like Cas is looking into his soul and he hopes that Benny doesn’t notice his face redden.

 

“Dean,” It wasn’t a question. It was more like a warning. The way Cas said his name sent a shiver down Dean’s spine. Cas’ eyes leave Dean’s face and land on Benny. Dean recoils his hand on his friends shoulder when he sees the look on Cas’ face. Anger. He stands and backs up to where Benny is standing. Cas slowly sits up and stands as well.

 

“Where have you been, Cas?”

 

“How did you find me?” Cas’ eyes don’t leave Benny and it leaves Dean feeling unsettled. Dean stepped in front of Benny forcing Cas to look at him.

 

“Cas.”

 

He finally looks at Dean and blinks a few times. His expression softens. Dean takes a few steps forward and before he can stop himself wraps the angel in his arms holding him tightly against his chest. Cas doesn’t hug him back but he’s okay with that. He has dreamed of this moment for so long he can’t believe that’s it’s happening. He pulls away and notices the look of confusion on Cas’ face who has his gaze locked on Benny again.

 

“Cas, I want you to meet someone. This is Benny,” Dean gestures to the vampire behind him and Benny smiles but then looks quickly at the ground. Dean smiles and turns back to Cas.

 

“Why did you leave Dean behind?” Benny’s voice carries through the open space and cuts Dean deep. Cas starts to back away from him and it feels like he’s losing him all over again. It takes all of the strength Dean can muster not to pull him closer again.  

 

“Look, Benny,” Dean turns to Benny, “It’s alight. It’s over. We found him. Lets get outta here. I’m sure Cas has a good reason for what happened.”

 

“I left you...on purpose, Dean.”

 

Dean whips around and looks at the angel with disbelief. He feels sick. Cas had left him on purpose? “You what?”

 

“I had no other choice, Dean. I had to”

 

“You left me to fight off God knows what and all you can say is ‘I had to’? I looked for you Cas. For months! I prayed to you every single fucking night and all you’ve got is ‘I had to’?” Dean’s stance changes. He feels defensive and he tries to keep his temper under control. He had looked for Cas for so long. It was painful to stand here and explain himself.

 

“I know.” Cas kept his gaze at the ground, now at Benny’s feet.

 

“You know and you...what? Had a slumber party with yourself for a year? What the hell is wrong with you, Cas?”

 

“I had to keep…” Cas’ eyes flash to Benny’s face and then to Dean’s, “you safe. I had to make sure you weren’t found. I had to lead them away.”

 

Dean stands there and lets the truth crash over him like waves. The weight crushes him. Cas’ didn’t want to be found. He didn’t want Dean to look for him. His eyes sting with tears but he can’t look away from Cas. He tried so hard to look away, and he couldn’t.

  
“Cas, I looked for you. I risked everything,” he needed to say it, it was on the tip of his tongue and he didn’t care that Benny was standing there to hear it, “Cas, I need you. I...I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	18. PURGATORY - 12 MONTHS

The three men walk for days looking for the portal. Dean never strays too far from Cas and Benny is never too far from Dean. None of them talked other than when there was a threat to the trio and no one brought up the fact that Dean had confessed his love to Cas. He tried to bury it deep down with the memories of his mom and his past life with Lisa and Ben.

“I need to take a break. I’m going to get some wood.” Dean throws his blade on the ground in front of himself and stalks off in the other direction. His absence leaves Cas and Benny alone.

“I told you not to look for me,” Cas states. It’s the first thing he’s said directly to Benny.

Benny turns to the angel and takes a few steps towards him and smiles, “Yeah? Well, you also told me not to mention that I had seen you. What was I supposed to do? He was hell bent on finding you.”

“I’m not leaving with you. I can’t go back,” Cas looks towards Dean to make sure he doesn’t hear their conversation.

“What do you mean you aren’t going back?” Benny was gobsmacked. He has spent the last year trying to get these assholes outta here and now this?

“I have to stay. I...I need to serve penance for...I’ve done things.”

“We’ve all done things. Do you think he’s just going to let this go? You think he’s going to live his life without you?” Benny laughs to himself and looks towards Dean who’s headed back towards the two men, “He ain’t gonna let this go.”

Cas follows his gaze. His face thoughtful for a moment and then it’s replaced with an unreadable expression. Benny eyes Cas for a moment longer before he heads off to help Dean who’s arms are full of random pieces of wood.

“I think we’re getting close,” Dean days, dropping the wood near Cas’ feet. Cas hums in agreement and turns to leave. Dean stares after him with a confused look on his face. He turns to Benny as if to ask what’s going on but Benny just shrugs and also walks away leaving Dean alone.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm still here! I'll be posting a few chapters in the coming week to help move things along for you. I'm sorry about all the interruptions.


	19. PURGATORY - 12 MONTHS

A week passes before the trio find the portal. Its late in the evening and the sun is setting. Dean's tired and feels sick. He just wants to stop. He and Cas haven't talked since he had found him and he thinks it’s because of something having to do with Benny. Whenever he looks at either of the men they look away from him, almost like they pity him. 

“Cas, can we talk?” Dean finally asks. Cas nods and they walk a few yards away leaving Benny to stare after them near the small fire he had built to keep Dean warm. Dean stops walking and Cas stands with his back to him. He doesn’t like the way this feels. It feels wrong. 

“Dean,” Cas says and turns to face him. Dean doesn’t like what he sees. He can see him and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t look like himself. He looks like someone else. 

“I...know…,” a deep breath, “I know that you don’t understand why I looked for you. I know you were trying to protect me, but I wish you would have just told me. We could have come up with a plan. Together.” 

“It’s not that simple. What you feel for me, I’m not sure…I’m not sure it’s real.”

Dean blinks a few times. Not real? Everything about what’s he’s feeling is real. It’s the most real thing he’s felt in a long time, besides what he feels for Sam. He’s sure. He loves Cas. Why does Cas not believe him?

“I’m going to need you to elaborate on that, Cas.”

“This place, Dean. It’s not...it’s not right here. Everything is wrong. I do not doubt our bond or our friendship,” Cas’ words wrap around Dean’s throat and squeeze. He’s not good enough. He should have known that he wasn’t good enough.

Dean takes a few steps away from Cas and frowns before his face changes to something else entirely. His father had warned him about situations like this. The hunt can make you feel things that aren’t real. He couldn’t afford to love anyone or anything except Sam, “You’re right. It’s this place,” he says quietly and backs away a little more. 

“Dean, please don’t misunderstand. I am grateful for you. I am proud to be your friend.” 

There’s that word again “friend”. He’s just a good friend. His best friend, if he wanted to be brave. Dean had had one other best friend, besides Sam, when he was thirteen. They had lived in one place for a near and Dean started to get comfortable. He had loved this boy as much as he loved Sam. His father had found them holding hands in the back of the Impala and then they moved. 

His father had been so angry, Dean was forced to quit school. He missed out on a few months of classes. When he finally went back he was so far behind he knew he wasn't going to graduate. Instead, he learned to distract himself with the prettiest girl in school. It made it easier to pretend not to notice that he was leaving a trail of broken hearts behind. 

“Right. I...we better get back.” Dean says, looking over his shoulder at Benny who’s sharpening his weapon. Dean takes one more glance and Cas and then takes off towards Benny. He thinks Cas might have looked disappointed but it doesn’t matter. He’s getting them out of Purgatory tomorrow and nothing is going to stop him.


	20. Brief Moment In Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean wakes up from his memories.

When Dean comes to he’s laying back in the hotel. He as a headache and he feels drained. He turns his head and see's Cas sitting in a chair next to the bed. He looks at Dean but doesn’t say any anything. Cas smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Dean doesn’t have the energy to speak or keep his eyes open. He groans and closes his eyes, falling back into his "angel mojo" induced coma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to explain a little bit, Dean isn't having actual flashbacks at this point. Cas has him in a sleep like coma and he's basically filling in all the blanks for Dean. I'm not sure if that's the way it's coming across, but that's what's happening.


	21. Filling In The Blanks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas lets Dean in on the truth.

PURGATORY - 12 MONTHS (forced memory)

_Dean doesn’t sleep. He wants_ to _, but he can’t. Cas’ words swirl around in his head and give him a headache. He knows it’s almost morning and he can hear Benny and Cas talking. He’s not sure what they are_ saying _, but it sounds intense._

_“How is this going to work, Cas?” Dean’s eyes snap open. This isn’t how he remembered that night._

_He had ended up falling asleep for a few hours. He never heard what they were saying._

_“I don’t know. But I can’t go. I have to stay.”_

_Dean sits up and stares at Cas. He doesn’t seem to know that he’s even there. He stands and walks over to the two men sitting in front of the low flames. He waves a hand in front of Cas’_ face _, but there is no reaction._

_“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Benny_ glanced _over to where Dean had been laying. Dean follows his gaze and sees himself laying there._

_“I do. I know the cost.”_

_“Do you?”_

_“I’ll have to live without him. He’ll hate me for it,” Cas says and looks at Dean’s sleeping form._

_“You know what’s going to happen if it comes down to you or me, right?”_

_Dean doesn’t like this. He wants to stop. He knows what happened and he regrets it_ every day _. He doesn’t want to hear anymore. He tries to walk_ away _, but he can’t escape the words that leave Cas’ mouth._

_“Yes,” Cas pauses, “I’m sorry, Benny.”_

__________________________________

Dean’s eyes snap open and he sits up. He’s met with Cas’ gaze. He’s sitting at the end of Dean’s bed.

“You stayed on purpose? You let me...you...” Dean stands forgetting that he’s weak from the angels power over his memories. Cas stands and reaches out a hand to steady Dean, but he flinches away from it, “Don’t touch me.”

“Dean, please.”

“No! You were gone, Cas. I was going to be okay without you. I was...I was going to move on and be okay without you. I thought you were dead! I thought you had just...I thought I couldn’t save you. I tried, Cas. I tried so hard and you just...you gave up? You let me kill him?”

“Dean, it wasn’t right for me to come back. The things I did...in Heaven. I needed to stay.”

“I needed you, Cas. Didn’t that mean anything to you? Didn’t Benny’s life mean anything to you?” Dean pushes off from the wall and walks to the other side of the room. His head is spinning.

“I did what I thought was right, Dean. I did what I thought was going to save you.”

“Save me?” Dean laughs, “ You let me slaughter one of the only friends I’ve ever had. You let me think you were dead! I didn’t need to feel guilt about that. I thought I let you down. I mourned your death, you son of a bitch!”

Cas takes a step closer to Dean and looks at the floor, “I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t understand.”

Dean bites the inside of his lip to stop from screaming at Cas. He had spent so much time thinking that he had failed Cas. He convinced himself that it was his fault that he had changed in Purgatory, but it wasn’t. It had been what Cas had wanted all along. He wanted to suffer and hurt and feel. He didn’t want to be saved. Everything makes sense now. The hushed conversations with between Benny and Cas and the tension. Benny had known all along and it makes his heart feel like it weighs a thousand pounds.

“What are we doing here, Cas?” Dean asks, feeling defeated and confused.

“I wanted you to know the truth. I need you to see that I didn’t understand before.”  

“What are you talking about? What didn’t you understand?”

“I didn’t understand why I felt so much pain after you were gone, but I was not physically hurt.”

“Cas, please don’t.” Dean pleads half-heartedly. Cas takes another step forward. Dean feels light headed. He knows Cas wants to show him more, but he’s not ready. He closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to hear about Cas’ pain anymore or think about Benny. Even with the truth hanging out there in the open he still doesn’t want to reach out and grab it.

“I’m sorry,” Cas says and tilts Deans head up. Dean’s skin warms where Cas’ hand touches his face. Dean opens his eyes and looks into Cas’. There are tears forming in his eyes. Angels don’t cry. Something in Dean starts to crumble.

“I killed him,” Dean says, his eyes falling to Cas’ lips. He's so close. He could kiss him if he wanted. He could kiss him right now and no one would ever know. Cas’ hand drops and they stand there looking at each other. They study each others faces until Dean's feelings of guilt slowly melt away.  _Cas is dying._

“You’re dying, Cas,” He says. Cas takes a step back and the moment is over. Dean lets out a breath and stands a little straighter, “Why, Cas?”

“I didn’t want you to do them,” He replies, turning to face the other side of the room.

Dean looks up at the ceiling and stares at it. The swirls in the plaster resemble what he’s feeling right now. Parts of him are happy. He's so happy that Cas is here. But there are other parts that remind him that good things do not happen to him.  He knows Cas is going to leave him again. His best friend is going to die and all he wants to do is tell him how much he loves him. The thoughts curl in on each other and make Dean feel like his head is going to explode.

“We have to get back. Sam found Metatron,” Dean says. He pushes himself from the wall and starts to gather his things and clean up the hotel room. Cas doesn’t move. He just stands there watching. Maybe waiting for something.

"Dean, I can’t stop. I have to finish the trials,” Cas says and faces Dean, “No matter what.”

Dean stops what he’s doing. He can feel his jaw clenching in anger. It isn’t fair. Cas shouldn’t have done this. He shouldn’t have tried to save him again. No matter what, in the end, Dean only has himself.  If he’s not enough for Cas or Sam how can he be enough for himself?

Cas disappears shortly after Dean has the car packed and ready to go. When he gets driving he’s thankful the angel didn’t stay. He needs this time to think.

He knows the truth and it makes part of him feel better knowing that wasn’t his fault. Why would Cas stay in Purgatory? He gets it. Kind of. He understands the want to punish yourself for something that you have done. He’s been there himself. He knows everything bad that happens to him is the world's way of making him pay for what he's done. Why was Cas in pain after Dean had left? Was it the guilt of letting him kill Benny?

Dean drives for a few days before his head starts to clear and he’s ready and eager to get back to Sammy. He knows that figuring out the last two trials and closing up Hell is sealing Cas’ fate. He hates that place more than anyone will ever know. He hates it because of what he did there, all the souls he sliced up. Their screams will forever be stuck in his mind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for not updating for so long. It's been a crazy few months. But, I'm back and I'm determined to finish this damn thing! Thank you for sticking around and I'll do my best to keep this little guy going. Also, I have posted a few more fics for your reading enjoyment...so, please feel free to take a look! :)


	22. Important News! (not a real chapter)

To Everyone Who Has This Bookmarked: I am changing my Username. I just wanted to let you all know before I did it. It will be changed May 12th.


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